25.5 weeks – Twin Boys and thinking about what should/could have been 

 Tomorrow marks what would have been our due date from our first pregnancy, May 1st. May would have also been our due date for our chemical pregnancy last august. I’d be giving birth soon rather than waddling around for 3 more months. May is a month of sadness and deep thoughts for me, a lot of what ifs and what could have been’s. 

our first pregnancy was our first fresh ivf cycle. Two embryos in, one stuck with very very high betas (nurse even mentioned twins). Ultrasound showed 1 strong heartbeat (3 ultrasounds). But when we were released to OB and after I had my first appointment at 10 weeks, 3 weeks later I went to the ER with bleeding and bad cramping. My body was getting ready to delivery. Our miracle baby hadn’t made it.  At the ER our baby was only measuring 9 weeks (the heart must have stopped days after our last ultrasound). I’ve never seen my husband cry the way he did that night in the ER. I opted to have a d&c right then and there with no pain meds (little did I know that they usually knock you out for those). I couldn’t imagine going home still “pregnant”. We left the ER that night 6 hours later minus our baby. I took a few days off and resumed life (I had a friend tell people so I didn’t have to). I tried to forget by jumping back into treatments as soon as we could. 

Our chemical last august was a bit of a long shot. We had slow rising betas anyway, I had little hope although the doctor kept hoping with each draw. But at 6 weeks my body said goodbye to our third little baby. 

I can play the what if game all I want but I know God has a plan for me. Ava would not be here and I wouldn’t be pregnant with my little boys right now if those pregnancies lasted. There is a reason for all things, even if I cannot fathom what it is. God has a plan for me, my daughter and my boys. I will forever be a mommy to 5 babies that implanted and grew. God willing 3 living breathing babies and 2 angel babies. 

Twins update : 


24 Weeks Pregnant with Ava

Pregnancy: #2 – TWINS

Gender: boy/boy fraternal

Weight gain: I’m surely over 25lbs but we’ll see at the end of the week when I go to the OB. I think I was up to 21 lbs two weeks ago

Eating: Still eating very well. Craving sweet things, like the yogurt covered craisins my daughter brings to school. Or the chocolate oreo ice cream I ate tonight on our first ice cream trip to Eskimo King of the summer. I fill up quickly, so I don’t seem to eat too much. Very thirsty lately… well the whole pregnancy I have been, but even more so lately.

Sleep: ok – ugh when will it get better?! Some nights are ok, some are terrible. Haven’t had a really good one in a while. Our rooms upstairs are very hot (its almost like an attic type heat, so with the last few days of very warm weather our room has been very hot, making it difficult to sleep even when I wear next to nothing. It’s supposed to be cooler this week so hoping it gets better (OR AC will be turned on this week).

Symptoms and Movement:

Movements: So much movement, I can catch them bumping out of the corner of my eye sometimes. I like to feel their presence. So far no movements are painful, although one of them was kicking my ribs this morning an THAT felt weird.

Vulvar varicose veins – no update, just worse

Bump– It’s getting heavy. I had a few days that the weight of my bump has interfered with working and I’ve put strain on it (hurting my muscles on the sides and causing cramping. SO, I ordered a maternity support belt (how many support contraptions can a pregnant woman wear?!?!) Its not my favorite, and it sucks to sit with it on, but it does help when standing. I’ll probably bring it to work and only wear it if I need to.

Emotions: Patience is wearing as I get uncomfortable, but overall I’m doing good. I tend to get weepy when I’m alone with Ava and I can’t seem to keep up with her or get things done. I’m a go go go kind of person, and I hate that I cannot complete simple tasks because I have a 20lb bump on board, stupid veins, someone pushing on my lungs and a 2 year old. Hubby called to see if I was okay on Sat as we were trying to get ready for a birthday party, it took all my strength to not cry and say we were fine.

Missing: being able to move like normal

Purchases: some organizing things for the babies room – trying to slowly get things in order. Slowly purchasing things off my registry, I don’t think anyone is going to through me a sprinkle so I’m just trying to figure out what we need ASAP and what can wait.

Looking forward to: OB appointment this week and starting 2 week appointments from this point on. And an ultrasound on the 19th. I booked out newborn photographer 🙂 very excited, she did Ava’s newborn and 1st birthday. She did great! She is very excited to do some more 🙂

Best moment of the week: Spending time with Ava. She has been so good and happy lately. We are still struggling with clothes (she only want to wear specific ones) I had to tell her everyone wears dresses to birthday parties to get her to put one on on Saturday lol Most of the time I don’t care, but I want her to wear some clothes that my mom has bought her.

My Mom also came over and helped me organize and do some things around the house that I just can’t get done alone. She cleaned out the front garden and prepped it for mulching. Hubby and I did the mulching today. She put Ava to bed to give me a break. But the best was all the organizing we did. I have all of the boy clothes (whether bought, handme downs, consigned) organized by size, NB, 0-3, 3 month and everything bigger. I put clothes in the dresser and organized the hates, booties and socks. I hung the sweatshirts and outfit type things. I was also able to organize the stash of cloth diapers I have built. I ordered some closet organizers to help with the rest of the “stuff” The hardest part is the giant queen sized bed in the bedroom that I am impatiently waiting to be picked up by a friend. She says she can get it in June. In all honesty she’s doing me a favor so I don’t have to try and sell it or pay to throw it away. But I’m impatient! We haven’t set up the second crib yet, they won’t even be in the crib for a couple of months probably and I might stick them together at first anyways, so no real need for BOTH cribs just yet.

Clothes: A local mom from my moms group gave me a few bags of clothes, which has been very helpful in adding to my work clothes. I’ll need some summer stuff soon but these things will get my by for now. I bought some compression sweats from Old Navy, I wore them today and they seemed to help a bit (probably not as much as compression tights would, but those can’t be comfortable.

Exercise: Very rarely hitting that 6,000 step goal – but still trying to move a lot as it helps with the veins.


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