Why don’t we talk about it? 

Miscarriage and infertility, why don’t we talk about it?
I understand why my husband doesn’t want to talk about it, even with me. Nevermind the fact that it is off limits to discuss why we are infertile with others. He doesn’t like to talk about our child that never was, he’s even uneasy about the tree I want to plant in honor of our lost babies. He said it brings back too many memories.

I don’t know why I never wanted to talk about infertility. Maybe I did and felt I didn’t have someone that would understand. I couldn’t talk about miscarriage without crying. I burst into tears trying to ask for a prayer from my priest for petes sake! I made my best friend tell the few coworkers that knew so I wouldn’t have to (the down fall of telling people at 12 weeks and 5 days when you miscarry at 13 weeks). I don’t cry much, and this, this made me cry. Maybe I didn’t want people to see me cry.
Yesterday morning I got into a conversation with a coworker. I found out his wife was due in November and I had no idea. I asked about his first child and he continued to explain that they wanted kids closer in age but they had had a miscarriage at 12 weeks and even did a round of IVF and FET. I had no idea, we never do. Why do we keep it to ourselves? Is it because of embarrassment or fear or sadness? He said they didn’t tell many people because of their miscarriage (sounds like us, we waited until 16 weeks to tell everyone with Ava. And even then it was not on Facebook.) why don’t we talk about it?
It wasn’t until I had Ava that I’ve come to terms with our situation. I can open up and freely discuss what happened. I still get sad, I still remember my baby that was conceived in August and lost in October 2013 who’s birthdate would have been May 1. I will always remember my third baby that was conceived in August and lost in September 2016. They both hold a special place in my heart ❤️ right next to my love for Ava.

I’ve learned that I can share my emotions and stories on my blog. It helps to write, even if no one reads. Sometimes opening up and talking (or writing) is therapy enough!

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5 thoughts on “Why don’t we talk about it? 

  1. I often wonder the same thing. I’ve become more open about things but I still get emotional about it. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with talking about it but I get why it’s difficult for so many of us. I know by opening up I’ve become a resource for others and that alone makes me want to keep talking about it.

      • Aw, that’s too bad. I can’t remember what I wrote anymore.

        I think it was about my experience sharing my miscarriage story with friends. They often get very quiet. I think people don’t know how to talk about miscarriages since few people talk about them at all. But after I lost mine, I told my friends “You don’t need to say anything to make me feel better. There are no magic words that end this pain. Just listen”.

        Their shoulders sagged in relief. I think they were frightened at the prospect of comforting me because they didn’t know what they should say. Once I took that burden away, they could do what was actually comforting and just listen to my story.

        Some even shared stories of how they lost siblings because of miscarriage or aunts and uncles that their grandmother lost. While they didn’t directly know what it was like, they knew people who had been hurt as well.

        I found their thoughts comforting.

        I think we keep it ourselves out of fear that others won’t understand. And I think they often can come across as not understanding because they don’t know what they can do. It seems to make things awkward.

        But I found that if I am straightforward and say, “I don’t expect you to say magic words that make my pain go away” they seem relieved and free to say what it means to them. Which I found comforting.

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