Beta Pending doom

So tomorrow is beta #4 – 

Recap: 10dp5dt beta 1: 78 

14dp5dt: beta 2: 206 

16dp5dt: beta 3: 286

The nurse didn’t give a ton of information, as there wasn’t much to say. Probably not viable but told to continue meds anyway. Next beta is tomorrow. Could miscarriage, could be ectopic, probably not viable. I have to go to the ER if I bleed as I am O- and husband is + so I need rhoGam to counter baby’s blood entering mine and rejecting future pregnancies. So of course I’ve been super vigilant in checking. This pregnancy would have had a due date of April 27, my miscarriage 3 years ago had me due on April 30th. Unlucky month or what?! It’s hard to feel the same joy I felt that first round of IVF and bfp. It’s hard to think of this life as a baby. That’s what miscarriages do to you. I built my wall seemingly high as it took me 3 days to shed a tear. But this is a life (however short) and I will celebrate it like I did for my 13 week loss and my 20 month old. I’m thinking of a tattoo to honor my journey. I read the sparrow signifies a long journey. So two for my angel babies and one for my Ava. I know it’s premature but my mind is always thinking and planning….. 


I also have my follow up appointment for my failure to get pregnant visit. Even though I technically still am, I decided to keep it to plan next cycle. I’m still on school vacation so it works better than waiting a few weeks. 

I am so nervous for this visit. I’ve had 5 transfers

1. IVF fresh 2 transferred – miscarriage at 13 weeks

2. FET  2 transferred – bfn 

3. IVF fresh 3 transferred – baby girl 12/27/14

4. FET 1 transferred – bfn but poor quality 

5. IVF fresh 2 transferred – currently waiting…. 

I have hope because I have held a full pregnancy but I don’t know how many times I can go through this process. Emotions are all over the place. I have so many questions about how we could do this differently. I’ve thought about changing clinics but ours is under 20 minutes away. Next closest is an hour without traffic through a major city (looking at 2-3 hours if traffic is bad). I love my doctor, I love the staff (minus one miserable nurse who I always seem to catch) but it’s hard to not get discouraged. Everyone around me seems to be getting pregnant (whether on purpose or by accident). Not many people know of our struggles so it’s been tough to navigate our social life. 

And so the anxiety of not knowing, waiting, and some more waiting, talking, planning….. Continues…. 
But she makes it all worth it 

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